Let’s just put it out
there: no one likes rules. No one likes to be told what they can and can’t do
like they are some kind of... child or something, am I right? Unfortunately,
the sad fact is that people are kind of douchebags when you allow them the freedom
to do whatever they want. And by them,
I mean you. And possibly me too. Possibly.
This is why society has
some kind of checks and balances in the form of laws that are meant to ensure
that we don’t behave like we were brought up by wolves, though to be fair,
wolves are kind of a disciplined species and it is extremely unfair to imply
otherwise. Cesar Millan, a Dog Whisperer (which apparently is a thing), said “Wolves are disciplined not only when they
hunt but also when they travel, when they play, and when they eat. Nature
doesn’t view discipline as a negative thing. Discipline is DNA. Discipline is
survival.”
I kind of got sidetracked
there for a bit, but I felt the need to set the record straight on the ability
of wolves to raise huma – umm, ok. I can see how this could be a stupid
argument to be making.
 |
| "We promise to eat... oops, NOT to eat your child." |
So, back to human society
and laws and stuff. People live in countries and countries have rules in the
form of constitutions, written or unwritten, that govern the day to day
interactions between its humans. However, from time to time, it becomes
necessary to amend certain laws to adapt to changing circumstances. For
instance, in the US state of Texas, it is a requirement for criminals to notify
their victims of the nature of crime they intend to commit against them at
least 24 hours in advance.
 |
| "I called you! And you do me like this? Who does that?" |
Of course this ridiculous
law has been repealed or suitably amended because, really? Ha, just kidding! It’s still totally in place, which is why
I’ll be moving to Texas next year. Where they have liberal gun laws. And
criminals call me to let me know they
are coming. So I’m guessing that wasn’t such a good example of the point I was
trying to make.
Seriously though, we do
make changes to laws in our constitutions that for one reason or another do not
appear to be working for the common good. So, I was just thinking, how is it
that no one has ever thought to make suggestions for the amendment of The 10
Commandments? I know that’s kind of a tricky one considering that they came
from God Himself and they were cast
in stone(s) and they were given to Moses who totally smashed them – wait, what?
Doe... does that then mean
that they are not actually valid? You
know, seeing as they are no longer cast in stone and stuff? Sorry, but the
commandments were written again on replacement tablets shortly thereafter
because God plans ahead yo!
Nevertheless, if it were
possible to have a sit down with God in front of a fireplace over some
centuries old wine – you know, the one that Jesus made at that lameass wedding
where the wine ran out before everyone was sufficiently hammered – I might have
some suggestions for Him to consider. Obviously some of those commandments are
by their very nature non negotiable, but others, I could try. Let’s have a look
at them:
1.
“I am your God, your LORD.
Do not worship any other god but the one true God.”
Non negotiable.
2.
“You shall not make idols or images in the
form of God.”
Non negotiable.
3.
“You shall not take the
name of God in vain.”
Non negotiable.
4.
“You shall set aside the
day of Sabbath to rest and worship the Lord.”
Non negotiable.
5.
“You shall honour your
mother and your father by treating them with respect and obedience.”
Now, let’s get real here
for a minute. Some of us are really shitty
parents. I’m talking about mothers that neglect their offspring because they
are inconvenient and they “cramp their style” or some stupid thing like that.
Fathers that get up in the middle of the night to have carnal knowledge of
their underage daughters (you might recognize that in civilized society as rape).
Could we please not have a
blanket honour system for parents who in the 21st Century we would
promptly throw in jail and throw away the key? Fathering a child or giving
birth to one does not make one a parent.
Or at least one that doesn’t suck. Raising a child to the best of one’s ability
and managing not to scar them for life either physically or psychologically is
the mark of a parent that truly deserves honour. The others can find their way
to that other place. You know, the one that is not heaven.
6.
“You shall not kill.”
Hmm... I’m looking at a
scenario where you live in a rough neighbourhood. You run a small business that
hardly meets your basic needs. Also, you have a gazillion kids because apparently you think your wife is a baby
making machine and you counter the argument for contraception with the shaking
of your head, and a reasonable
explanation that that shit costs
money. Money you don’t have because it’s all going to putting food on the
table. For those gazillion kids. And
another one on the way. Oh, did I mention that you’re kind of an idiot?
 |
| This is what gazillion looks like. In case you were wondering. |
Anyway, the boss of what
passes for the local gang is getting just.a.little.pissed.off
because you’re behind in your payments for “protection”. You know that there is
no way you’re making those payments because of said gazillion kids and their need to eat. Absolutely no way. So you let
Al Capone in on this little fact, and he goes mental on you because he’s kind
of a dick! He starts shouting things about how you think he’s a little pussy
and that just to show you who’s boss, he’s going to straight up murder your
stupid family on Thursday! You know he’s not bluffing because you know people
who have turned up dead just for looking at him sideways!
Going to the cops just
isn’t going to work because apparently he had the local OCPD shown who’s boss, if you catch my drift.
So, in order to protect your family, you see no way out other than to kill this
man. His life for those of your wife and kids. Sounds good to me.
7.
“You shall not commit
adultery.”
Non negotiable.
Oh, wait. I’ll take that
again. So, your wife is being kind of a bi – impossible because you absolutely refuse to allow her to bring the
cat to the matrimonial bed at night when you’re going to sleep. Or not. Why she wants to do that is beyond
me too. I don’t understand your wife. So because she has the mental age of a
teenager, and teenagers are stupid, she starts using sex as a weapon against
you. Or the withholding of it.
You are not allowing the godamn cat into your bed and she’s not
putting out. Boom! Right there, you
have a Mexican Standoff. In Mexico. If you live in Mexico. If you live
elsewhere, then it’s just a Mexican Standoff. And I don’t know why I thought
that would make sense.
 |
| Mexican Standoff. Presumably in Mexico. |
Anyway, a year later,
she’s still not sleeping with you and you’ve gotten tired of “taking matters
into your own hands”, if you catch my meaning. So in your wisdom, you decide to
take matters into your hands (without the air quotes) and get yourself a mpango wa kando to kunyihia utuku, which loosely translated from Kikuyu means to make
the night tolerable. Sounds good to me.
8.
“You shall not steal.”
Non negotiable.
9.
“You shall not bear false
witness against your neighbour.”
I had a moral conflict
about this one because on the face of it, it is actually not cool to say
incriminating shit about another person that isn’t true. I have a feeling that
there is quite a bit of that going on in a little courtroom somewhere in...
well, isn’t this happening a lot everywhere,
really?
 |
| "We're actually here just for the scenery. True story." |
Let me take you back to
the analogy of the big bad boss of the local gang that wants to smoke your family. But now, instead of
killing him dead because you’re probably not a good husband and father and
wouldn’t kill another human being to protect your family (really? What kind of man wouldn’t
do that? Shame on you!), you figure it might be best if you fixed him for the
death of your neighbour. Yeah, the one who fell outside his house after
drinking too much booze and hit his head on a rock!
So you go to the cops
because apparently you forgot about the OCPD who was shown who’s boss, and you tell them that you saw Al Capone hit the
poor bugger in the head with a rock. You can’t afford a TV, so you obviously
don’t know how CSI works, though to be fair, neither do the local cops. The
point is that you’re taking him down. Sounds good to me.
10. “You shall not covet your neighbour’s property, nor desire
his wife...”
Non negotiable.
This will get your ass
killed. The end.
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