Friday, 1 November 2013

If We Could Amend (Some Of) The 10 Commandments Like We Amend Constitutions

Let’s just put it out there: no one likes rules. No one likes to be told what they can and can’t do like they are some kind of... child or something, am I right? Unfortunately, the sad fact is that people are kind of douchebags when you allow them the freedom to do whatever they want. And by them, I mean you. And possibly me too. Possibly.

This is why society has some kind of checks and balances in the form of laws that are meant to ensure that we don’t behave like we were brought up by wolves, though to be fair, wolves are kind of a disciplined species and it is extremely unfair to imply otherwise. Cesar Millan, a Dog Whisperer (which apparently is a thing), said “Wolves are disciplined not only when they hunt but also when they travel, when they play, and when they eat. Nature doesn’t view discipline as a negative thing. Discipline is DNA. Discipline is survival.”

I kind of got sidetracked there for a bit, but I felt the need to set the record straight on the ability of wolves to raise huma – umm, ok. I can see how this could be a stupid argument to be making.

"We promise to eat... oops, NOT to eat your child."

So, back to human society and laws and stuff. People live in countries and countries have rules in the form of constitutions, written or unwritten, that govern the day to day interactions between its humans. However, from time to time, it becomes necessary to amend certain laws to adapt to changing circumstances. For instance, in the US state of Texas, it is a requirement for criminals to notify their victims of the nature of crime they intend to commit against them at least 24 hours in advance.

"I called you! And you do me like this? Who does that?"

Of course this ridiculous law has been repealed or suitably amended because, really? Ha, just kidding! It’s still totally in place, which is why I’ll be moving to Texas next year. Where they have liberal gun laws. And criminals call me to let me know they are coming. So I’m guessing that wasn’t such a good example of the point I was trying to make.

Seriously though, we do make changes to laws in our constitutions that for one reason or another do not appear to be working for the common good. So, I was just thinking, how is it that no one has ever thought to make suggestions for the amendment of The 10 Commandments? I know that’s kind of a tricky one considering that they came from God Himself and they were cast in stone(s) and they were given to Moses who totally smashed them – wait, what?

Doe... does that then mean that they are not actually valid? You know, seeing as they are no longer cast in stone and stuff? Sorry, but the commandments were written again on replacement tablets shortly thereafter because God plans ahead yo!

Nevertheless, if it were possible to have a sit down with God in front of a fireplace over some centuries old wine – you know, the one that Jesus made at that lameass wedding where the wine ran out before everyone was sufficiently hammered – I might have some suggestions for Him to consider. Obviously some of those commandments are by their very nature non negotiable, but others, I could try. Let’s have a look at them:

1.     “I am your God, your LORD. Do not worship any other god but the one true God.”
Non negotiable.

2.      “You shall not make idols or images in the form of God.”
Non negotiable. 

3.     “You shall not take the name of God in vain.”
Non negotiable.

4.     “You shall set aside the day of Sabbath to rest and worship the Lord.”
Non negotiable.

5.     “You shall honour your mother and your father by treating them with respect and obedience.”
Now, let’s get real here for a minute. Some of us are really shitty parents. I’m talking about mothers that neglect their offspring because they are inconvenient and they “cramp their style” or some stupid thing like that. Fathers that get up in the middle of the night to have carnal knowledge of their underage daughters (you might recognize that in civilized society as rape).

Could we please not have a blanket honour system for parents who in the 21st Century we would promptly throw in jail and throw away the key? Fathering a child or giving birth to one does not make one a parent. Or at least one that doesn’t suck. Raising a child to the best of one’s ability and managing not to scar them for life either physically or psychologically is the mark of a parent that truly deserves honour. The others can find their way to that other place. You know, the one that is not heaven.

6.     “You shall not kill.”
Hmm... I’m looking at a scenario where you live in a rough neighbourhood. You run a small business that hardly meets your basic needs. Also, you have a gazillion kids because apparently you think your wife is a baby making machine and you counter the argument for contraception with the shaking of your head, and a reasonable explanation that that shit costs money. Money you don’t have because it’s all going to putting food on the table. For those gazillion kids. And another one on the way. Oh, did I mention that you’re kind of an idiot?

This is what gazillion looks like. In case you were wondering.

Anyway, the boss of what passes for the local gang is getting because you’re behind in your payments for “protection”. You know that there is no way you’re making those payments because of said gazillion kids and their need to eat. Absolutely no way. So you let Al Capone in on this little fact, and he goes mental on you because he’s kind of a dick! He starts shouting things about how you think he’s a little pussy and that just to show you who’s boss, he’s going to straight up murder your stupid family on Thursday! You know he’s not bluffing because you know people who have turned up dead just for looking at him sideways!

Going to the cops just isn’t going to work because apparently he had the local OCPD shown who’s boss, if you catch my drift. So, in order to protect your family, you see no way out other than to kill this man. His life for those of your wife and kids. Sounds good to me.

7.     “You shall not commit adultery.”
Non negotiable.

Oh, wait. I’ll take that again. So, your wife is being kind of a bi – impossible because you absolutely refuse to allow her to bring the cat to the matrimonial bed at night when you’re going to sleep. Or not. Why she wants to do that is beyond me too. I don’t understand your wife. So because she has the mental age of a teenager, and teenagers are stupid, she starts using sex as a weapon against you. Or the withholding of it.

You are not allowing the godamn cat into your bed and she’s not putting out. Boom! Right there, you have a Mexican Standoff. In Mexico. If you live in Mexico. If you live elsewhere, then it’s just a Mexican Standoff. And I don’t know why I thought that would make sense.

Mexican Standoff. Presumably in Mexico.

Anyway, a year later, she’s still not sleeping with you and you’ve gotten tired of “taking matters into your own hands”, if you catch my meaning. So in your wisdom, you decide to take matters into your hands (without the air quotes) and get yourself a mpango wa kando to kunyihia utuku, which loosely translated from Kikuyu means to make the night tolerable. Sounds good to me.

8.     “You shall not steal.”
Non negotiable.

9.     “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.”
I had a moral conflict about this one because on the face of it, it is actually not cool to say incriminating shit about another person that isn’t true. I have a feeling that there is quite a bit of that going on in a little courtroom somewhere in... well, isn’t this happening a lot everywhere, really?

"We're actually here just for the scenery. True story."

Let me take you back to the analogy of the big bad boss of the local gang that wants to smoke your family. But now, instead of killing him dead because you’re probably not a good husband and father and wouldn’t kill another human being to protect your family (really? What kind of man wouldn’t do that? Shame on you!), you figure it might be best if you fixed him for the death of your neighbour. Yeah, the one who fell outside his house after drinking too much booze and hit his head on a rock!

So you go to the cops because apparently you forgot about the OCPD who was shown who’s boss, and you tell them that you saw Al Capone hit the poor bugger in the head with a rock. You can’t afford a TV, so you obviously don’t know how CSI works, though to be fair, neither do the local cops. The point is that you’re taking him down. Sounds good to me.

10.  “You shall not covet your neighbour’s property, nor desire his wife...”
Non negotiable.

This will get your ass killed. The end.