Monday, 8 July 2013

3 Ways In Which Homosexuality Is Kind Of Creepy

Now, I need to start with a disclaimer: I’m not a homophobe. Many dictionaries describe homophobia as the fear and hate of homosexuals and -

Oh, shit, I am a homophobe! No, just kidding!

Actually, I don’t hate homosexuals, and I most certainly do not fear them. But what I don’t get is how a man could possibly find another man sexually attractive. Honestly, that’s like the Six Million Dollar question I’ve had to grapple with all my life, and by that I mean since I discovered that girls were kind of nice to look at and to touch and to kiss and to – this is not some kind of porno entry, so look elsewhere you pervert.

But seriously though, like many heterosexual men all over the world, I find that I’m more forgiving and understanding and tolerant and maybe just a little, um… excited by thoughts of girl on girl action. This is a view shared by many men, right? Right?


Yeah, turn your backs on me you... betrayers! I know all your names. Also the woman's.

Is this a double standard? Absolutely. Do I care that I might be just a little bit of a hypocrite about this? Absolutely not.

My interest in the subject has been rekindled by the events in the US in the week that President Barack Obama - I shall call him by his middle name, Hussein, for the rest of this article just because - was visiting Africa.

For those of you that missed the story, the Supreme Court over there ruled that people in same sex marriages would now be eligible for the same federal benefits that are enjoyed by those in heterosexual unions. Of course with the rider that this would only apply in states where gay marriages are actually legal.

This formed the background on the call by Hussein to African nations to decriminalize homosexuality, and grant gay people the same basic human rights accorded to non-gays. This has predictably opened a whole new can of worms, with many Africans telling him to restrict his gay loving agenda within the United States, of which he is the president. And presumably not the president of The Rest Of The World.

I disagree with Hussein’s position on the whole question of homosexuality. I consider myself to be progressive and pretty open minded about many social situations that we have to deal with on a daily basis.

For example, I have no qualms about mob justice. In my book, if a thief is caught in the act, kill him dead. No apologies. If some idiot rudely cuts in front of you in Monday morning traffic, it’s ok to wait until you draw parallel to them, roll down your window and yell obscene unprintables about their parentage while presumably flipping your middle finger at them. As long as you don’t mind the risk that they might be over 6 feet tall, weigh about 150 kgs and might be in a foul mood because Monday. Perfectly ok.

But even a crazy old bastard like me has to draw the line somewhere, right? And mine gets drawn at gay-ism for the following personal reasons.

1.     Homosexuality Removes Procreation From The Equation
One of the main reasons for a sexual relationship, apart from the obvious one of having mad crazy sexing at the drop of a hat, is to have a shitload of kids (or maybe just one if you really hate them you selfish… person. Just kidding!)

Now, when you have two men doing it with each other (please note that I shall not be referring to lesbian sex for aforementioned reasons), no little babies are expected due to the serious lack of a womb, ovaries and other baby making equipment necessary for a successful conception.

Now, picture this: if everyone were to suddenly find their inner gay, how long do you think it would take for the human race to be extinct? Hussein knows this, which is why he lured one Michelle Robinson into his hetero-bed and proceeded to make two beautiful babies. You know, for mankind.

"A third one for the team, babe?"

(On a serious note though, with reference to people who are biologically unable to have children, this particular point is in no way, shape or form meant to be disrespectful.)

2.     The Family Unit Would Be Mangled Beyond Recognition
Hussein is openly encouraging the world to embrace same sex marriages, but my concern here is the kind of damage this does to kids of that union. For those of you that are slow in the thinking fast department, same sex sexing does not produce children, but couples have a choice of having kids through artificial insemination, adoption or straight up sex with a man (eew, in the case of lesbian couples). Whatever.

The point is that the family unit as we know it includes a father and a mother. In other cases, you have single parent situations where for a variety of reasons, one of the parents is absent. Fair enough.

But Holy Shit Two Fathers Or Two Mothers?

Please excuse my ignorance, but how exactly does this work? Doesn’t this make for some pretty messed up kids who have no concept of the distinction between male and female? Can someone give me a little education on this because I’m kind of having some trouble wrapping my head around this.

I don’t know how that photo got there.

(On another serious note, with reference to people in single parent situations, this is not about you.)

3.     Gay Sex Is Gross
And here, I am of course referring to dude on dude sexing. As you might have gathered as a running theme in this post, I’m a little conflicted about lesbianism – actually, no, I’m not. I just don’t want people to think I’m weird, which would then make probably most of the male population in the world weird. Whatever.

Yeah, back to Brokeback Mountain-ing. I once went to a karaoke club and got into a weird conversation with a dude about… teeth. See, he said he was a dentist and he… well, I guess teeth make for conversation fodder pretty much the same way as weather, right? I don’t know how we moved from teeth to him stroking my hand, but having never before encountered some gay lovin’ thrown my way, it took me all of two minutes to realize that I was being Holy Shit Hit On By A DUDE!!!

Needless to say, I have marks on my hand from all the scrubbing I did to remove the awful, awful feeling of violation and I immediately thereafter checked into a shrink’s for some good ol’… well, shrinking.

Actually, that last part is not true. I’m a well adjusted individual and all I had to do was make sure that in future, I’d have my gay-dar on. So heads up, gay dudes, if you as much as look in my direction suggestively, I will cut you!

With this.

I thought it would be fun to refer to Obama as Hussein, but it’s really just confusing, isn’t it?


  1. I've responded to some of your questions on my blog: Cheers.

    1. Thanks Rose for your response. I'll carefully go through all the points that you made and hopefully engage you further on this matter.