Sunday, 9 February 2014

4 Things I’m Really Looking Forward To In 2014

I know this article is kind of late, this being way past the beginning of the year, but whatever man.

So how was 2013 for you? Did you have a good one or did you spend the year in prison because you just don’t get how breaking the law is kind of, I don’t know, illegal? Well, if they are letting you out this year, try not to do stuff that will draw the wrong kind of legal attention to you. Or don’t get caught. Whatever.  Or your life will just keep on sucking, trust me.

Is that you? It is you, isn't it?

But if you enjoyed 2013 like I did (sometimes), then I’m pretty sure you probably made some resolutions for 2014 to make sure life doesn’t suck for you. Well, I gave up making New Year resolutions a long time ago because it just felt so... commitment-y? Anyway, even without resolutions, there are certainly things that I’m hoping will happen this year.

Here are 4 of those things.                                         

1. I Hope Uhuru Doesn’t Let Me Down As President

I have an admission to make. I voted for Uhuru Kenyatta in the presidential elections of March, 2013. I know some people will look at my last name and go “Duh, we know! *yawn*”. Did I vote for Uhuru because he is Kikuyu like me? Maybe, maybe not. Let’s not pretend that this doesn’t happen elsewhere in the world.

A huge chunk of the ethnic vote that went to Barack Obama in the last two US presidential elections was on account of his race. Conversely, many white people that voted for his rivals voted for them because they are white and Obama is black. That is the bare truth. Anyway, the debate on whether it’s retrogressive to look at a candidate’s ethnic heritage when making political decisions at the ballot can be had another time.

Not related to article

I voted for this president because I believed, as I still do, that he is the best person for that job. I made my decision and I’m obviously hoping that I shall be proven right. President Kenyatta has a lot of detractors, people that are waiting for him to fail. I think he’s doing a good job so far, but he has made some decisions that I have found to be questionable.

I understand his discomfort with the media, and I know many of his supporters agree with the Media Bill signed by the President and passed by the National Assembly. But it just seems to me that the ten years of Mwai Kibaki’s presidency were the free-est this country has ever enjoyed, and I’m just getting a bad feeling that there might be efforts to take us back into the bad days of the Moi era, in which any dissent against government was dealt with harshly.

I will continue to support President Kenyatta, but I refuse to blindly support every decision he makes just because I don’t want to be seen to disagree with him. He is human after all, and I don’t expect him to be perfect. But unlike some of my fellow supporters, I will call bullshit when I see it.

Oh yeah, also, I really want to see him deal with what are obviously corruption cartels in his administration. If he doesn’t deal with them now, he’s likely to be held hostage by them down the road making it difficult to sort them out then. It would be unfortunate if his legacy, much like that of President Kibaki before him is one of a president who presided over a hopelessly corrupt regime.

2. Avoid Death

Death kind of sucks, right? If you’re writing a suicide note right now just before you jump off that window, you should know that you’re going to look like tomato paste when you link up with the concrete down there. I’m just saying. But just in case you have doubts, maybe you should talk to someone because I really think that being alive is f*****g awesome!

I just can’t imagine not being able to breathe in the smoggy, dusty air of Nairobi, or being unable to walk into Picco Lounge in South B on a Thursday evening to sing karaoke while sipping a warm Tusker (cold will not do because it interferes with the mucous membrane in your throat hence rendering you unable to sing. Thought I should mention that).

I am not able to comprehend being unable to eat all the junk food that I love even though medical literature tells me that that shit is going to kill me sooner or later but I eat it anyway because it just tastes so f*****g good!

I CANNOT imagine not being able to look at a beautiful woman and feel the familiar rushing of blood from my brain to another part of my body and saying silent thanks that there IS A LIVING GOD HALLELUYIA!!!

What I’m saying is that living rocks! And while I know that my life will end at some point in my future, I just don’t want it to be this year. So I will do everything within my power to ensure that death stays at a respectable distance from me.

I will drive more carefully. I will cross the road only when I’m pretty sure that I shall not suffer the indignity of lying on the hot tarmac with my skull cracked open while wearing only one shoe! I will stop drinking in dodgy bars where I’m likely to get drugged by beautiful ladies of the night so they can rob me. Unless they went to the Medical School For Lacing Idiot’s Drinks, I don’t trust them to not overdose me and cause my heart to stop.

Yes, I have every intention of being alive beyond this year.

3. More Money In The Pocket

Money is kind of an awesome thing to have, right? It makes it possible to live a life that doesn’t suck all the time, you’re able to put food on the table and have a roof for your family so that your kids don’t turn into street urchins and use their poop to extort money from me so they can eat! Yeah, now that I think about it, I really prefer that you have money because I think your kids’ poop really smells bad. I don’t want that on me! What the f**k do you feed them?

So anyway, seeing as all those good folks that work in the alcohol industry have kids too, and alcohol, I assure you, is not going to drink itself no matter how long you stare at it, I’ve resolved to do everything this year to make more money and spend it on beer. You know, for the kids.

Oh yeah, I guess also to advance myself economically and those whom I love.

As much as we may not want other people to think of us as money loving sons of bitches, the truth is that your quality of life is determined by how much money you make. The more ways you’re able to increase your income, the more stuff you’re able to buy and the better you’re able to feed your kids so they don’t develop rickets or something. Money allows you to achieve your goals because I am yet to learn of a goal anywhere in the world that doesn’t require money.

You want to advance your education? The school will need you to pay tuition fees. You want to buy a car? The dealer will need to see some cash. You want to develop a drug habit? Your weed guy is not in the charity business yo! Speaking of charity, an area in which I’m interested in this year, that shit requires money. If you intend to feed extra mouths, you sure as hell require more money.

So yeah, whichever way you slice it, more money in the pocket rocks! Yay!

4. Travel More, See the World

When I was a kid in the 80s, there was a song I used to hear on VoK in the mornings before I left for school. It was called Take A Message To Mary by the Everly Brothers. It was about a guy who needs a message taken to his fiancée, Mary, from his jail cell.

He’s been busted for robbing a stagecoach, and presumably killing someone because there’s an allusion to a gun that went off. Anyway, he doesn’t want her to know that he’s in jail, and instead wants her to believe that the reason he’s calling off their wedding is because he had to travel to see the world. I think this guy is kind of a douchebag. Anyway, he tells the messenger in a verse to tell Mary that he went to Timbuktu to search for gold.

The reason I mention this song is because for a very long time, this was the image I had of Timbuktu.

Actually, this is Timbuktu.

I always imagined Timbuktu to be some magical far, far away land, away from all the troubles of the world. And of course there was all that gold there was to be had. It felt like a place I just had to visit. That was until I discovered that the place is actually in Mali, Africa!

Yeah, thanks a lot Internet for bursting my bubble!

So I guess I’m going to Timbuktu this year.